This here bag of bagels is lookin’ mighty fine. Slather on some cream cheese, a little butter, and you have a fantastic meal. Even if you’re allergic to cream cheese, try it anyway. You can’t miss out on this.
And how about toast with cream cheese? It would be alright, but not even close to as good as bagels.
In fact, would you believe that the great toast and bagel war has been raging for 2000 years? You bet.
See, everything is a war. First, we had the refrigerator and toaster war with some humans thrown in, and then we had some other wars going on. Yup.
Alright, so here we have the toast and bagel war. Secretly, in an underground base, the bagels are preparing for an assault, while the toast (also in an underground facility) are doing the same.
Being underground minimized troop losses due to mold, so that’s why they’re underground.
They’re gathering supplies such as:
- Knives
- Butter cannons
- Jelly missiles
- Crumb catchers
- Fire catapults
- Water nukes
- Peanut butter dynamite
All of the weapons will help the bagels and toast fight a war against one another. Humans are placing bets on their favorite team, because humans often do that sort of thing. The winner of the war will go on to be eaten by humans as a reward for being awesome.
Here’s what top analysts think will happen:
At 1 pm Thursday, the bagels will make the first strike on the toast stronghold. The toast will fire back with the fire catapults and burn up some of the bagels. The bagels will retreat and try again in the morning.
While the bagels sleep, the toast will invade their camp and shoot them with water, making them all soggy and gross. The bagels that survive the assault will run away and hide in a nearby cave. The cave will be wet, so the bagels don’t have much time to react.
The toast will go back home thinking they’ve won. The next day, the remaining bagels emerge from the cave and silently storm the toast base.
Taken by surprise, the toast will be burnt to a crisp, which means the humans won’t be able to eat any of them, because they’ll taste gross.
Thus ends the great toast and bagel war.