NEW YORK—What turned out to be a shock for most turned into one of the biggest media conventions of the year.
Kevin Bacon’s career, one that has been shitty and worthless since its birth, was found on the corner of 1st and 1st early this morning. After a passerby noticed the poor career on the floor with a bottle of black label Jack Daniels next to it, he decided to call police.
“It’s not often that you’ll find someone’s shitty career out in the open like that,” said George Herman, a 48-year-old businessman who found the career. “Most of the time, you’ll never see a career in that condition, but every so often, you have a career that has churned out more worthless garbage than you could have thought possible, which then makes it more visible.”
“Yeah, I saw it. It grossed me out,” said Tim Burkel, another passerby on his way to work. “As soon as I saw the words ‘Footloose’ and ‘Hollow Man’ printed on the side of the career, I nearly vomited.”
While it’s true that most careers, even terrible ones, will not be visible to the public, Kevin Bacon’s career has been scarred beyond the point of no return. Ever since Footloose caught the public’s eye, Bacon’s career started making headlines as street corner bound. But even so, nobody thought it would emerge after years of inactivity.
“If I told you that I thought Kevin Bacon’s movies were good, I’d be lying to you,” said Gregory Happ, a career evaluator with a review website. “I certainly thought this would have happened at least five years ago, so it comes as a surprise to find this misshapen career sprawled out on the sidewalk like it actually deserved to take up that much space.”
In order to preserve Bacon’s professional life to show everyone what not to do, the Museum of Natural History has decided to dedicate an entire wing exhibit to Kevin Bacon. The exhibit will be called “Kids, Do Not Watch Footloose and Hollow Man or Google Kevin Bacon. He and Those Movies are Terrible.”